Heiderino

I’m on my deck again, and I suddenly heard some creature behind my house quacking, mooing, barking, meowing… I don’t know just what for sure… But one second after that, I heard our friendly neighborhood owl… (the one who could be more adept at eliminating the rabbits from my front yard)

QUACK

WHOOOOOOO

Quaaaaaaaaack

WHOooOOOOooOOO

QuaaaaaaacCCCCKKKkkkk

Whoo

Quack

Who…

SILENCE.

Another night in the ‘burbs.

I’m so saddened by the lack of comments and questions sent to me through Heiderino.com that I have decided to start a new feature/column. “Ask Heiderino.”

Rules and Regulations:

1) Keep it clean - this is the WWW, and there are plenty of fertile young minds out there.
2) Be original!

Yep - those are the rules. Fire away!

When YOU are the one going down your neighbor’s deck stairs in slow motion… Rolling and *almost* catching yourself step-by-step, straining your ankle and wrist… Bruising your tush… Knowing your neighbor is in the kitchen window, witnessing this demise, and trying not to laugh all the while.

I think human beings find it inherently amusing to see someone else fall. Of course, it isn’t funny if they get hurt in the fall, but the actual sight of someone stumbling, tripping or doing what I tend to do (fall for no apparent reason) is usually very funny.

This is why I never get mad when people laugh when I fall. I once flew head over teakettle down a flight of concrete stairs in college. Of course, this happened between classes, so I was far from alone in the stairwell. I was also carrying 2 big bags full of papers and books, which got strewn all down the stairs. The strawberry yogurt (how I remember that it was strawberry is impossible for me to know) in my bag exploded during the fall, and I had it on my arms, in my hair, and it was all over the steps.

I truly believe that part of the reason people laugh is nervousness. You’re embarrassed for the other person, and it comes across in the form of laughter.

The fact that I fall frequently, and even once broke my ankle just falling because of my high heels, bodes badly for my future. I may be only 31, but at this rate, I’m on the fast track to Broken Hip Land.

Of course, I got to thinking about this today at work, when I was walking down the hall and a guy about 50 yards ahead of me tripped on his own shoes. He sort of floundered, looked like he was leaning dangerously forward, but somehow caught himself. He IMMEDIATELY turned around to see if anyone was watching. I quickly turned and acted like I didn’t just witness this hilarious occurrence.

Apply directly to the forehead! Head on! Apply directly to the forehead!

As if this commercial weren’t annoying enough, why did they have to come out with “Freedhem?”

Freedom from Hemorrhoids? Freedhem! Freedom from Hemorrhoids? Freedhem!

At least they don’t go as far as to say: “Apply directly to the…”

I’m not happy to hear that my favorite news personality Shepard Smith is over in Lebanon, dodging rockets.

Rookie journalists are made to stand on the shore during hurricanes, with their goggles and hats blowing off, staggering around while trying to shout “As… you can see… WHOA! Very… Windy here…” They get paid next to nothing, and work insane hours.

After they claw their way up the journalistic totem pole, they get rewarded with fame, prime time, good pay and… ROCKET DODGING!

We went to Summerfest on the Fourth of July to see my sister’s band, Sunspot play. Naturally, we had a few beers. (Leinie’s Summer Wheat, to be exact… Yum!) Drue asked me what I was drinking, and I told her “Beer.”

Drue: “But Mom! Moms don’t drink BEER!!!”
Me: “They don’t? What do Moms drink, then?”
Drue: “WINE, silly.”

I have many theories, and one of the strongest is the Stroller and Sunglasses theory.

The basic premise of the S&S Theory is simple:

Do not buy expensive strollers or sunglasses.

Let’s start with Strollers - my extensive practical research:

Sunglasses are about the same. Well, unless you consider the risks of eye damage with the use of el-cheapo sunglasses:

Exhibit B - Acceptably fashionable (to me, at least) sunglasses purchased for $1 at the Dollar Tree. Yes - $1. At this rate, sunglasses are nearly disposable.

Water disguised as booze

“No, really - it’s water!”

This is the most unique design for bottled water I’ve seen yet.

I suppose there isn’t much more to say about it, except for the fact that it isn’t only visually intriguing, but extremely practical for wedging between ketchup and mustard bottles in the fridge door.

You might get some strange looks at the office if you pulled this out during a meeting, but I’d say it’s worth a try. I think I will do that tomorrow.

BUGS now? Grr!

My front flower bed has taken a serious beating over the past two weeks. Bugs, rabbit - I think even possibly a deer have been annihilating all of the pretty flowers and plants. I’ve tried all kinds of things to deter them, but to no avail.

I’ll have to start putting Decker out front to bark at those flea-ridden masters of destruction.

1- What the plant should look like.

2- what it does look like, thanks to Cottontail or Bambi.

3 - I totally busted two rabbits hard at work on my Asiatic Lily plants. I hit the window and yelled, and they just stared at me without stopping at all. I even tried to hold Decker up to bark at them, but he didn’t seem to even see them.