Heiderino

When I turned 21 (ten years ago!), my mom and I went to Las Vegas with one of her friends and her mother. One night, we had tickets to Circ du Soleil, and they were going to a different show. We shared a cab and pulled over to drop them off at their show. When the cab driver pulled back out, he cut off a big bronco on giant monster wheels. The driver of the monster truck screamed some obscenities and gave our cabbie the finger. Our cabbie smiled and waved, which only served to enrage Monster Truck Guy. (There was a made up showgirl in the passenger seat - she was probably late for work.)

Since we originally had four in the cab, I was in front with the driver. We were standing still in traffic, and Monster Truck Guy hopped out of his truck, ran toward us, and PUNCHED IN THE DRIVER’S WINDOW! I was terrified! But, just like in a movie, I heard “Up against the car! Police!” There was a bicycle cop about three cars behind us!!!

Not only was Monster Truck Guy busted and his girlfriend even MORE late to work, I’m about 90% sure he broke his hand. I saw the look on his face after he punched out that window.

Monday morning, and I’m running late. Not incredibly late, but late all the same.

Somehow, in my lateness, I decided it was a good idea to drive by a state trooper at 80 miles per hour. Well - not exactly. It was more like, “Oh! There’s a trooper!” and then “Oh S*&#! I’m going 80!” When I saw him pull out of the rest stop, I knew I was doomed.

Yep - the girl in the black mini-van got pulled over.

When the stone-faced trooper approached my window, I handed him my license immediately. He asked me if there was a specific reason he clocked me doing 80.

There was no reason at all to make up a story, so I just explained that I wasn’t paying attention. He walked back to his car.

I called my friend, who had the same experience last year. She basically told me I was in deep doo-doo. When it happened to her, she got a $250 fine. My legs started to shake, and I hung up, ready to face the music.

When the officer came back, he told me he was going to LET ME GO WITH A WRITTEN WARNING!!!

So, I don’t know if there are foolproof rules to get out of a speeding ticket, but here is my advice if you find yourself in that position:

• Be polite
• Don’t cry and don’t deny
• Don’t make excuses

And most important…. Say THANK YOU!

A couple of months ago, I was meeting a friend to discuss a freelance project after work. I arrived at our meeting place before my friend, so I decided to sit out at a picnic table to enjoy the gorgeous weather. Not long after I sat down, I thought I felt someone looking at me. I turned to my left to see a guy standing there, giving me a strange smile and just staring. I turned quickly back to my papers, and saw him approach me out of the corner of my eye. Just as he started to speak, I looked up to see my friend pull in and hop out of his car. Whew! The guy had almost reached me, but saw me wave at my friend and (pretty creepishly) RAN away.

Dan approached the table laughing, and said “I see you made a new friend…” I laughed it off and we started talking, when I saw the guy slowly slinking back in our direction. He walked all the way around the table and came up, then just stood and lurked. Not able to take it any more, I looked up and said “Can I help you?”

Guy: “Um, I was just wondering where I could sit down.”
Me: “Well, there’s this whole table…” (gesturing to the rest of the picnic table)

Now where do you suppose this guy decided to sit? But of course! Right next to yours truly. He started to try to make small talk, and I had to politely interrupt him. “I’m sorry - we’re planning for a meeting…” He apologized and walked away.

For about 2 minutes.

He circled around, came up to me, and started staring at my FEET.

I tried to ignore this for about three minutes until I could ignore it no longer. Once again, I said “Can I help you?”

Guy: “Those are some VERY interesting shoes you have.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Guy: “What kind of shoes ARE those?”
Me: “Um, I don’t know… Sandals, I guess…”
Guy: “What brand are they?”
Me: “Well, would you look at that… It’s worn off… I don’t really know…”
Guy: “Can I see it?”
Me: “What???!!!”
Guy: “Can I hold it?”

At this point, my friend is trying to not have a heart attack or laugh out loud. I’m trying to maintain myself.

Me: “No. I would like to keep my shoes right where they are, thank you.”

The guy extended his hand, said “Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you…” and walked away for good.

Welcome to a day in the life of Heiderino.

:)

It’s true! Just ask anyone who has known me for a long (or in some cases, even short) time! I’m going to use this category to document some of the weirder events in my life: Our family minivan being shot by a 7 year-old with a .22 rifle, being shot by a random paintball-terrorist, getting picked out of the crowd at a Jon Secada concert and pulled onstage, talking to Liam Neeson on the phone on my 25th birthday, having some customers at a table I was waiting on get into a physical fight, complete with “plate being smashed over head,” having a random person approach me and ask to hold one of my shoes, etc.